So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize