i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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