You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
