Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
