Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
