So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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