saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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