reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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