it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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