There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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