This is not my ceiling
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
