I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
