shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
