yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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