The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
