i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The power of my boobs compel you
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