Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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