I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize