Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
