aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
