Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
