Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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