Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
