Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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