you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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