My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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