Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
