you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
