Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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