I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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