Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
