Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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