so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
