I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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