Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
