Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
