3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my being single is dangerous.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Actions speak louder than pants.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
