Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
