is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
