I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
