Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
