Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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