Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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