if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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