Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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