On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
