Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
