She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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