I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
