I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
