I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
