Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
