you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
