Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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