And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
