I hope mine doesn't look like that
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
