my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
