you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
