I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
