Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
