I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
