Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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