i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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