Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
