A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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