listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
